Lost

March 31st, 2011 Leave a comment Go to comments

Faith is a very fragile thing. We humans are very fragile beings. Sometimes life happens.

Sometimes it would be nice if life would just stop interfering.

My faith has always been temperamental. Was it a need to account for my actions or more an ingrained barometer to gauge my sentient morality I don’t know. What i do know is that it has been shaken countless times and is crumbling now to the point of destruction.

It is not, any more, a question of whether i have it or not, whether i need it or not. But a simple admittance that i don’t want it.

If it is that we are to leave life to fate then why blame anybody for what happened or what will happen. If it is in fates hand then actions do not and cannot determine cause and effect.

But then i don’t believe in fate – never have.

So what else is left?ย karma?

Why does karma matter? Life’s a bitch and it will always do what it wants. Karma, the way i understand it is – As you sow, so shall you reap. But is “Karma” aware of this?

It is also said that what will be … will be. Do what you have to and don’t worry about the consequences.

Why is causality such a big thing? If each of our action is an isolated independent unit then why do we make such an effort to link them all to find meaning. Why is meaning so important?

I don’t know where am i going with all this.

Suddenly there is a contradictory urge to find meaning and at the same time to not care two hoots about meaning.

Life happened. And i wasn’t ready.

Questions don’t satisfy the thirst any more … answers are no longer necessary.

I read an old post of mine again, and it echoes true even today

What happens when the questions just remain questions and the answer, even though present, isnโ€™t an answer?

What happens when all you see in the void are vestigial fragments of a once delirious vision, floating in the murky waters of a fragmented conscious?

What happens when life lets you down? Am i permitted to banish life from ever interfering with my existence?

I don’t believe in giving up, I have always affirmed that I would rather try and fail than not try at all.

But why? Why is trying so important? If ambitions, aspirations, dreams, hope and life itself is transient then why the attachment to all these? Why the overwhelming urge to achieve something? Why the rush to get somewhere?

Why do we yearn to collect the proverbial bounty at every stage on our journey through life?

Not Any More.

These here are my actions. I mustย acquiesce, for i am their initiator.

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